When I'm with you
by littlediamond
Summary: My first fic ever, the final chapter is posted!!! and I gave you your Carby! *smile* Please tell me what you think of my ideas and my writing, you can be completely honest!!!
1. Default Chapter

Takes place: After "Lockdown"  
  
Season: 8  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the "ER" characters, they belong to Warner Bros and affiliates and are property of Michael Crichton and affiliates. (  
  
  
  
  
  
Carter pulled away from their kiss to try to see Abby's reaction. Her head was down and one arm was still resting on his shoulder, almost like she was trying to register what had just happened between them. Carter suddenly felt guilty, maybe he shouldn't have kissed her, now was hardly the time or the place. But how could it have been wrong when it felt so right?  
  
"Abby" Carter whispered softly, encouraging her reaction.  
  
He lightly lifted her head up with his hand to see that her eyes were filling with tears.  
  
"Oh God" he thought.  
  
"Abby whats wrong?" he said almost in a whisper, a look of concern washing over his glistening face. He shouldn't have kissed her.  
  
"Abby?"  
  
Abby finally lifted her head and looked him in the eyes for only a moment, before they darted back to the floor, then over his shoulder, then back to the floor again.  
  
"I'm so sorry..." she whispered, tears lightly falling over her cheeks.  
  
"I can't do this" she couldn't hold back her tears anymore, they fell silently onto her chest.  
  
"I can't do this" she said through her tears and fell into his arms.  
  
  
  
  
  
***I know it's short but I will continue if people like it and want me to*** ((( 


	2. Chapter 2

Takes place: After "Lockdown"  
  
Season: 8  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the "ER" characters, they are all property of Warner Bros. , Michael Crichton and affialaites.  
  
Chapter: 2  
  
  
  
  
  
"Oh Abby" John whispered hugging her tighter.  
  
"I'm so sorry, this wasn't the right time for any of this.."  
  
"What's the matter" John thought to himself.kissing her now may have been all wrong.but why was she in tears, there was something wrong and he was going to find out what.  
  
Abby suddenly pulled away from their embrace, he could see she was trying not to cry, that wall of hers was buliding up again, the one John knew oh too well. Abby lived for being strong, she never cried, she never broke down, never faltered, or at least that's what she wanted people to think. But inside, she was weak and fragile from the years of pain she had on her shoulders. Her abortion, her divorce, her addiction, especially her addiction. John was starting to uncover all of this since he'd met her. Since the first time he'd met her at that AA meeting..his thoughts drifted back.. There had always been something about her that he saw, that he didn't think anyone else could see. It's like he knew all about her, her pain and her suffering. But he also knew a different Abby, the Abby that laughed and joked around with him, the Abby whose smile could change his world. He didn't get to see that Abby too often but he knew it was there in her, and that's what was so incredibly baffling to him.  
  
"I'm sorry John" she brought him back to reality, and he could see in her eyes she was saying inside "I'm strong, I will not cry no matter how hard things get."  
  
"No Abby, you don't need to apologize, what kind of man am I, to think that I could just kiss you here, now, it's my."  
  
But he suddenly couldn't speak any longer, he felt Abby's lips forced onto his for a lingering moment, a quick kiss but that said so much. He couldn't speak, she had took him by such surprise. When he suddenly regained composure, Abby was smiling through tears that were streaming down her face...  
  
  
  
***Tell me if you want me to still continue or not, it will get lots more Carbyness I promise!!! *** 


	3. Chapter 3

Takes place: After "Lockdown"  
  
Season: 8  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the "ER" characters, they are all property of Warner Bros, Michael Crichton and some other affiliates.  
  
Chapter: 3  
  
  
  
  
  
They sat facing each other on the gurney. Just staring into each others eyes, neither of them knowing what to say, what to think or most of all, what to feel. Their hands found each others and they entwined together rubbing the other ones hands gently.  
  
After what seemed like an eternity, surprisingly, Abby spoke.  
  
"I wanna be with you" she said softly still crying.  
  
"Abby, you can. Abby we can be together now" John said half smiling but filled with concern.  
  
"No, it's not like that" Abby shook her head and pushed her hair out of her face tiredly. So tiredly.  
  
"We need to talk, Abby I have known you for years now, you are my best friend." he paused. "And who knows what more..." "you can tell me everything, Abby we're quarantined here at least till morning and it's now.10:30, we have the whole night together.."  
  
He gently touched her shoulder.  
  
"Tell me everything, I want to be here for you."  
  
Abby looked up slowly.  
  
"You're serious aren't you?" she questioned softly.  
  
"Yes. I want to help you through whatever it is that's keeping us apart , tell me the whole thing, I'm not going anywhere."  
  
He smiled and looked around the room while lifting his arm in different directions, just to remind her that there was no way he could leave her. She adjusted herself on the gurney and got ready to speak.  
  
He grabbed her hand again.  
  
"It's okay" he whispered. "Remember? We're going to be okay"....  
  
  
  
  
  
*** Sorry I know I write short chapters at a time. I'm not even positive exactly where this story will go. But in the next few chapters you will see a lot of Abby's past uncovered and I promised you Carby and I may be a bit slow getting through this Abby angsty stuff but I still promise you, from a diehard Carby fan: there will be Carby!!!!! *** 


	4. Chapter 4

Takes place: After "Lockdown"  
  
Season: 8  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own an of the "ER" characters, they belong to Warner Bros, and Michael Crichton and other affiliates.  
  
Chapter: 4  
  
  
  
  
  
Abby nodded, maybe now that Carter was here with her, things would really be okay.  
  
"Okay" she took a deep breath and bit her lip.  
  
"I'v have been.drinking again, kind of.." her voice trailed off, she was too scared of what his reaction would be to keep her voice from wavering.  
  
"Oh Abby" John looked disappointed, quite disappointed. "What do you mean kind of?"  
  
"Well the other night," Abby answered, "I was just feeling really down, we lost a little girl, remember Kayla? That cute little blond girl who was born HIV positive?"  
  
John nodded remembering exactly who she was talking about. He also remembered that Abby had been with her for 3 shifts in a row, she was her patient. but she had just been too sick and too weak to make it. He remembered Abby being a bit more attached to this one too.  
  
"Well aside from losing her." Abby rubbed her now puffy red eyes and tried to keep her eyes from welling up again. "I have been just so confused lately"  
  
"Confused?" John asked trying to follow.  
  
"About.." Abby paused, "Us."  
  
"Us?" John hinted a smile but tried not let her see he was too happy, she had used the word "us".  
  
Abby refused to look him straight in the eyes.  
  
"Us." She repeated again, "and these feelings I'v been having for you."  
  
She continued.  
  
"But you know? I was so confused.you are, were....are my best friend. I was so scared of losing you."  
  
She broke down again.  
  
"If it wasn't for you John, who knows where I'd be, you meant and still mean everything to me, and I was making these feelings forbidden to me, because I was and am too scared of losing you. I'd probably be living on the streets right now if it wasn't for you, and I mean that every word. Everything was just too confusing, too much for me to take all at once, you know I'm not that strong, you know that." "So the other night I took out a bottle of wine I found that had half left..."  
  
She seemed to weaken right then, right before his eyes. His heart was out to her now, she looked so small and tired again.  
  
"I took it out and stared at it for.oh it must have been 10 minutes. I stood there just looking at it and thinking about everything..everything."  
  
Abby paused and remembered how good the cool glass of the bottle felt on her hands...but how bad at the same time..  
  
"Then I slowly opened the bottle and I took two drinks from the bottle, just two, and then I poured the rest down the drain." "I couldn't do it John, I just couldn't do it"  
  
She dropped forward and put her head in her hands, resting her sweating hands on her forehead.  
  
He rested his hand on her shoulder and rubbed it gently, he couldn't even speak. He'd never heard Abby talk to anyone like this, or let this much go out of the things that were bottled up inside her. He didn't speak and just focused on his hand rubbing her shoulder, trying to comfort her in some way at all...  
  
  
  
***Carby coming very soon if people want me to continue, sorry kind of boring chapter but I had to get through this angsty Abby stuff . Thanks for reading!!*** 


	5. Final Chapter- Carby ending!

Takes place: After "Lockdown"  
  
Season: 8  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the "ER" characters, they all belong to Warner Bros, Michael Crichton and other affiliates.  
  
Chapter: 5  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"And that's my story" Abby said crying but with a bit of sarcasm in her voice.  
  
"I didn't want to disappoint you, and I knew I would, I so knew I would, and that's why I poured it out, I wanted to drink so badly but then I wanted to smash that bottle on the floor to show that I wasn't going to give in."  
  
Abby looked up, slightly relieved that she was done of her spiel, but then again she was a bit grateful that she had been able to come out with it to someone.  
  
"Thank you Abby" John finally spoke in a weird tone of voice but like he was actually thankful that she had poured out her problems on him.  
  
"Thank you?" she questioned.  
  
"Thank you...for telling me these things so that I can help you through them, I'm glad it was me that you told.."  
  
He stuttered.  
  
"And I'm glad that I can be there for you now, as friends, I'm glad for that."  
  
"As friends?" Abby just kept on questioning his strange phrases.  
  
"Abby, I thought you said that you couldn't do this, which I though meant do us, I want to be there for you and do what's best for you, and if I have to be there for you only as a friend, then so be it."  
  
He looked to Abby right then like a little boy whose puppy had just died.  
  
"I didn't say that I just wanted to be friends!" Abby retorted.  
  
"But you said that you couldn't do this, that things were too hard right now" he was slightly taken aback at her indecisiveness. "I just want you to be happy, so if you need a friend, here that's me, I'm here" he said.  
  
"But what if that's not what's best for me? Her voice became louder.  
  
"What if being so confused about my feelings that I can't see straight? What if that's what's right for me!"  
  
She was talking much louder now. Carter hadn't meant to get her worked up and neither of them were mad but there was something else going on in her mind right now, or her heart, he couldn't tell, maybe he had said something wrong.  
  
"What if my stomach turning to knots everytime I see you!?" "What if that's what's right for me! "  
  
She stood up and began to pace around like she was about to make the biggest decision of her life. He just sat there watching her every move, kind of baffled at her unexpected, spontaneous behavior.  
  
"What if everytime I'm with you I feel like someone else??!!!! What if you make me forget everything else around me? And what if that's whats good for me!!!!!"  
  
He stood up and began to walk towards her.  
  
"Abby" he tried to get a word in.  
  
"No John!" she said frustratedly.  
  
"What if I can't get you out of my head!?" "What if I need you more then I need anything else on this earth???!!!!"  
  
She began to cry for about the millionth time that night, except this was a different cry for some reason.  
  
Her voice trailed off, she paused but only for a moment to get closer to him.  
  
"What if this is what's right for me?" she was almost in a whisper as she cupped his cheeks in her hands, looked him in the eyes for another moment before making one of the biggest decisions she would ever make. She felt her body grow closer to his and then her lips against his, her arms around his neck, her needing him and him needing her back..it was the only thing that was actually right and then, at that moment Abby knew she wouldn't have to say what if anymore..  
  
  
  
Well there's my story! I hope you enjoyed it! Would it be too much trouble for me to ask you if you could leave me a review? And you can be 100 percent completely honest ( smile ) thanks for reading!!! *** 


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